i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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