dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
