If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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