you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
