You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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