i just sent this text using only my big toe
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
