I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
