You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
