I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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