Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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