I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
