I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
