you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
