Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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