you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
