You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
