you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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