I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
