fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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