I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
