We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
