You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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