bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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