the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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