I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
