It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
