He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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