i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
