My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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