OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
