your parents love me but you hate me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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