i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
