I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
