somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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