I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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