I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
