I cannot find my penis.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
