I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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