I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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