After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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