Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
