I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
