it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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