I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
