He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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