NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
