cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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