Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
