Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
