She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
