You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have fence marks all over my body
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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